to God after sinning in the garden of Eden? He waited until God sought
him to realize that he had sinned. Am sure God would have forgiven him
if he had taken responsibility over his sin.I feel that somehow he was
blaming God for giving him Eve who later gave him the forbidden fruit.
The power to rebuke sin was right in his hands yet he chose to do
otherwise. Nxaa always shifting blame to others.
I looked at Peter in the eye and realised that I felt pity and sorrow
for him.man's fall is his own doing.
"please babe let me explain" what sort of explaination would have
justified such action? I left him for such a short time,a month and
some few weeks yet he had already gotten inside her skirts and worse
made her pregnant . his faithfulness was questionable. I didn't have
time to listen to his unreasonable reasons. I didn't feel pain,not
yet. I walked away to my room and left him with his head between his
arms.
I knelt down in a prayer.
"oh God I know I am not worthy to stand before your presence because
of my inequities. if it pleased you for me to have no man who will
stick with me till the end,so be it. help me to have the strength to
pass through these trying moments. please keep me safe for the sake of
my dearest kids who are the best gift that you gave me.I will always
be thankful to you. In the name of Jesus Christ The Son of The Most
High God I pray. "
I got out to face him again.there was no way I could have given the
devil the satisfaction of seeing my pain.
"you know what. get out of my house and never ever come back for me
again. go ahead and marry Masozi am sure your mother will be happy. "
"don't talk like that my love. you know its you I want.what happened
was a mistake I never intended.please I beg you forgive me" he was
down on his knees. how I wish he was doing that but with a different
purpose in proposal not forgiveness. tears were streaming down my
eyes. I had given up, I didn't have any strength to fight for love
anymore. he lamented about how after the night we urgued about his
mother he had lost his mind and complete sense of reason. Masozi came
to our bedroom after hearing him shouting. she comforted him and one
thing lead to another. he had wanted a way to release and spend his
frustrations so he claimed .
"am sorry Peter but I am not travelling that path again " I showed him
the door and he walked to it defeated, dejected and lost. it wasn't my
intention to let him go but sometimes the best thing in this life is
to learn when to let go of somethings. for once I patted myself of the
back for making a decision for the love of myself. I didn't want to be
caught in the cobweb of STIs. her being a virgin wasn't a guarantee
that he should sleep with her without protection. what a virgin
without dignity who wouldn't wait till the wedding night to offer
herself to her husband. oh I closed my eyes in pain watching all the
dreams we had, the joy, the high expectations and the future down the
drain. Amanda came and hugged me. still little but she understood the
pain Mum was going through.
****************
a week later Peter went back to Lilongwe. the news of Masozi's
pregnancy spread across the village like a bolt of lightning. one
could hear the high ulutations and songs of Peter's mother to the
depth of the ocean . it was rumoured that she had already named the
baby after her father if he would be a boy and her own name if it
would be a girl.poor baby to be named after the monster.
I hoped she wouldn't live to inherit her madness as well. she boasted
about the success of her mission to get me out of the way.you can
imagine the type of shame that I had to pass through. when I walked I
could feel people's penetrating stares mocking me.whenever people
laughed I automatically thought they were laughing at me.I became
socially isolated and withdrawn. God bless my mother for being such a
comfort. the reason I still stayed in the village was because I needed
to think what I had to do with my life.this man dependency syndrome
was running out of luck.I needed to stand on my two feet and take
responsibility. I started helping my mother at the field. being closer
to my mum made me realise how much I had wasted by being away.
one day I received a call from Norah. She asked if I had forever
dissappeared because she missed me big time. I told her that I would
be there in just a matter of time. it was a lie but knowing Norah she
could be a pain.
"girl you have to come,am getting married in four months time " to say
I was shocked is an understatement but I was taken overboard. she was
the last person to think of settling down unless there was a catch to
it.
"who is the lucky guy or should u say the unlucky guy?" i was intrigued.
"don't worry it's not one of your cousins. the guy is a Mocambican who
works for Mota Engil. you know they are constructing roads in the
country. if I say he is loaded I mean I am swimming in money ". you
see that was Norah for you in black and white. something pricked my
mind.
"did you tell him about your HIV status?" she went quite for a while
in deep thoughts. am sorry I didn't tell you. Norah contracted the
virus from her neighbours husband. remember that man who came with
Norah to pick me up the time the fake Pastor wanted to rape me? he
used to give her so much money she opened a Salon. some people can
kill,neighbors are supposed to be one's source of comfort not sorrow
and grief . since then,she had been out for vengeance. it was evident
this guy was new in town and didn't know anything.
"well I don't think that is necessary, who knows if he is the same"
you could swear her heart was at ease.I never gave up in lecturing her
about living positively. she was young and had her whole life before
her there was no need to ruin it.I was the only one who knew and she
kept the secret even from her mother as sweet as she was. I was the
only one who panicked at any slight sign of sickness…
to be continued…(am sorry darlings I know its short but am so tired I
had a hectic day.good nyt)
Episode 29…continuation
True to my words, I went to Lilongwe three weeks before Norah's
wedding. She was my best friend and I had to be there for her. She had
been by my side through thick and thin and there was no way I couldn't
have done the same for her, with her share of madness I still loved
her. I left Amanda in the care of my mum and promised to be back right
after the wedding. Amanda cried so much it broke my heart, she said
she wanted to go and see her dad, in this case Peter. I hoped with
time or perhaps with age she was going to realize that we were no
longer together.
Norah's mum was so happy to see me but she couldn't stop pointing out
to my evident second mistake, Laurent. She said she had known that Ben
would just pretend to be there for me then after getting me pregnant
again, dump me.
I didn't want this cruel reminder of my past. It was over and I had
healed, there was no way I could allow the scars to be scathed in such
a heartless manner. She didn't have to lecture me about morals. The
reason that Norah was getting married still without a child didn't
mean that she didn't have skeletons in the closet. She once confided
in me that she had aborted the pregnancy of her neighbor's husband.
Having two children to show for my wayward ways didn't mean that I was
the mother of sinners. For the rest of my stay I avoided a one on one
conversation with her.
The wedding was a marvel.
I was so happy for her. The groom's family members were not present
save for a few friends and colleagues, I doubted if they even knew of
his union in a foreign land. After a long time, it was nice seeing
Emmah again. I was terrified how much she had grown in such a short
time. I started to believe that if you get to a partner way too old
for you, your young blood mix with his and you end up looking as aged
as him lol. Her daughter was grown and she was expecting a second
child. She had a new resentment towards me which I failed to register
the source. Some people tend to push their bitterness towards others,
was it my fault that she ended up with the Mbuya? For all my problems,
I never tried to put the blame on others even when those so called
best friends of mine, somehow pushed me into sleeping with Ben in the
first place. If they had left me to do it my own way maybe none of all
the problems in my life could have happened.
I couldn't say I wasn't tempted to go and see Peter, but I schooled my
heart to save its last dignity. Seeing him again may raise some
sleeping pain. I might even be tempted into taking him back but to
think of all the baggage was impossible. I decided to call Joy so that
we meet in town. I didn't want to go to her house to cause unnecessary
tongue wagging. It hurt to think that we could have been sisters in
marriage but it was never to be. I wanted to feed my curiosity with
the latest gossip in Peter's life. We met over a snack opposite
crossroads at Café Delight next to Seven Eleven Supermarket. We
ordered our food and started talking. I was horrified to learn that
since Peter came back from Nkhatabay he had drowned into some sort of
depression. He had been aggressive and kept to himself.
Masozi was indeed pregnant but the few months she had lived in
Lilongwe proved to be some sort of a character chokzsure to her true
self. They always fought because she was always in the company of
township women gabbling his money and property away. Just the previous
week, Peter had paid off a debt amounting to MK100,000 when the
debtors threatened to take the refrigerator away. She was never home
to clean up and mostly when Peter came back from work he didn't find
her. When his mother was told of this, she said he was only trying to
find an excuse to get rid of her and there was no way she could allow
that with her grandchild on the way.
Nxaa that left him with no choice but to dine and wine with the devil
himself. I thought Masozi was doing that deliberately because she knew
she had the monster's backup. Women never ever try to put your sons
into such compromising situation you might end up losing them. His
transfer was just two months away. The following month he was supposed
to go to Nkhotakota and arrange prior accommodation. Masozi had said
there was no way she was leaving his sight; she would follow him to
the ends of the world. Recently Peter had started going to church,
which was the happiest news I had heard in a long time.
I knew it was only in the presence of God where he could find the
comfort he clamored when no man could afford it. A simple mistake had
robbed us of our future together. If only I could reverse the hand of
time to that day I had left him alone with Masozi am sure she had
looked at him like a cat before a bowl of milk. Joy told me that if at
all there was something that I could do to help him that was the
moment. She said the way she knew us our love had survived a lot and
would I give up then? I told her that my hands were tied; I couldn't
do anything about it unless he had to help himself. My past was dark
enough to further darken it.
We finished eating, just as we were about to leave, I heard a voice
behind me "you look more beautiful than I can remember." I turned
around and oh my goodness; there stood Peter with his brother Mike. My
heart hammered inside my chest threatening to explode, not trusting
myself to speak, I clenched my jaw and looked at Joy for an
explanation. The look on her face gave her away that she had been the
master minder of the whole thing.
"Honey why don't we excuse these two so that they can talk?" Mike said to Joy.
"Sure love" they held hands, Mike gave Peter a reassuring pat and they
left. Nothing could have prepared me for this, I was cornered and all
my worst fears of knowing if I still felt anything for him were
chokzsed, I was in love as ever as I had been. It was a battle I tell
you, my mind telling my heart to stand up and go while my heart was
telling me to hear the poor guy out for old time's sake. My mind won.
"I don't have anything to discuss with you" I spoke while standing up
to go. He didn't believe I just did that. I avoided looking in his
eyes, afraid I would fall in them all over again.
"Wangu you can run but I know you still love me.
I miss us babe," I stopped frozen in my tracks as he continued, "I
miss waking up to your beautiful face every morning. I miss seeing you
smile and knowing am the reason behind it. I miss the kids oh God, I
miss your silly jokes and I miss holding and dancing with you every
Saturday evening when the kids are tucked in bed, just the two of us
in the garden under the stars and the moon sometimes rain would trek
down our smiling faces. I don't mind doing that again with you." That
did it, I stormed out as fast as I could and went to board the first
minibus I found at the bus stage. I was trembling inside and tears
were coming fast and furiously, I didn't mind wiping them away in full
view of everyone. I had to let them out; the emotions had been bottled
down for some time. Peter should have changed his name to Romeo.
I arrived at Norah's mothers place, I tried calling Norah but the
number couldn't get through so I sent a text telling her that I would
be leaving the following morning. She was still at honeymoon; I didn't
want to give her wrong reasons to feel like something had happened but
knowing her, she could smell it a thousand miles away. I sometimes
came to think that there was a telepath between us, those who have
'besties' would agree with me. I told Norah's mum of my instant
departure she whined saying why was I leaving too soon, wasn't I
enjoying it there? I told her that I needed to get back to my mother
and kid. I told her that I would come again some time soon.
I left the following morning and it was terribly hot in the city bus.
One thing I hated about travelling by public transport to Nkhatabay
was the continuous chatter and noise of the Tongas. I am one myself
but these people can make others feel like they are in the bus by
accident or worse still in a foreign land. I have never seen people as
proud of their language as the northerners (both Tumbuka and Tonga).
Even among other tribes you can be assured of them to talk right there
what others don't understand. I noted that Laurent's body temperature
was rising; I thought that maybe it was the excessive heat but it
wasn't the case, he started crying and refused to breastfeed.
I removed his shirt and changed his nappy but he couldn't calm down.
People were starting to mumble and asking if I was truly the mother
for failing to make him stop crying. I stood up from my seat and
strapped him on my back. The passage way was full of standing
passengers and I found it difficult to walk to and fro rocking him in
an effort to make him sleep. After a hectic time, he fall asleep only
to woke up again when we were close to home. This time his body was
burning and I knew my baby was getting sick. I called my mother and
told her about it. I arrived home and she prepared water for his bath.
Amanda couldn't stop fussing over her little brother who was in no
state to play and giggle as always.
I remember that night as being the longest of my life. I gave him pain
killers but the moment it lost its effect, he would start crying
again. I was so exhausted for being up all night, no matter how much
my mum told me to go and lie down; I couldn't do it while hearing his
loud cries in pain. The hospital was far away and it was not a journey
to embark at night. At day break, we took him to the hospital with my
mother. On the way he started violent convulsions. I was trembling in
fear I thought he was going to die. We sat under a Mango tree until
they subsided. She carried him as we almost run to the hospital. I was
praying all the way asking God to send His words of healing to his
soul and speak of good health again.
He was diagnosed with cerebral malaria and the doctor said if he had
stayed any time longer without medical treatment, we could have lost
him. The thought of losing one of my kids was unbearable. I couldn't
think of living Amanda or Laurent. If I was alive, they were the
centre of my world and they kept me going in this life of
uncertainties. I was sure of their love for me and knew that be it in
life or in death they would love me still unconditionally.
Maybe it was my fault for taking him on such a long journey and if
anything had happened to him, I knew I couldn't have forgiven myself
To be continued
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